I Have Been Experimenting

I have been trying to find my thing for so long, that it was starting to feel like I was failing at having a thing. I would ask myself questions: what do I want to share, how can my story help other people, and most of all what do I enjoy? Because what is the point if I don’t enjoy what I am doing.

But then every time I landed on something, I would run with it for a while, I would go all in, it’s what I do… Until I eventually ran out of steam and realized that wasn’t it either. It was frustrating and was another easy way to feed my insecurities.

So I would stop everything again, only this last time I realized something that I was already doing, only I hadn’t noticed. Lucky for me, what I was already doing was the perfect reframe because it turns out I had been experimenting all along. And nothing was off limits. I was experimenting in every aspect of my life. Trying to find out what worked and what didn’t. And it isn’t nearly as exciting as blowing up your whole life like many people say you need to do.

I didn’t need to quit my job, move houses or cities, or leave a relationship. It started so ridiculously small I didn’t even realize the significance at first. Until… drum roll please… I noticed. Then it was painfully obvious that I don’t think you can think your way into knowing yourself, sometimes you need to try things on first.

And I was trying on the whole store.

Experiments as simple as:

Am I tired right now or should I pick up the house first?

Or a little more challenging:

Do I have the patience to put the kids to bed because I usually do, or how would it feel if I ask for help and spend an hour to myself?

None of these are Earth shattering, in fact I anticipate these being so completely mundane that some people are rolling their eyes that I am even sharing this. And that is totally fine. Because regardless I know more now than I did before.

That night I went to bed instead of picking up the house like I usually do… Turns out I hate waking up to a messy house and it changed my mood instantly.

Asking my husband to trade shifts and I had an hour to myself. Absolutely beautiful, and needed but I don’t need it every night. But the version of myself that night did need it.

I had no idea that when my friends told me how they admired my ability to pivot and they couldn't believe I couldn’t see it, it would be so pivotal (pun intended, sorry not sorry).

Now let’s fast forward to the other day because now my life is my own personal laboratory and I am the researcher and the research.

Exhibit A:

My kids want me to play on the trampoline, it’s 90 degrees outside, and I just don’t want to right now. It’s hotter than hell on fire, and I have a million things I need to get done, that happen to need to be done in the cool house.

Of course it isn’t that easy though because what I would normally do is say yes because that's what good moms do, it’s what my kids expect me to do, and it’s what the all knowing internet would tell me to do; because I need to enjoy it while it lasts. How many times have you heard that one? And it feels like blowing on an ember of guilt to make an inferno.

But for whatever reason, today I was prepared to say no and see what happened next. So instead I said; “no, ask again when it’s cooler.”

It was hard. My first instinct was to take it back, but that was not the point. Even if I wanted to, because I am allowed to change my mind, but first I needed to sit with my decision.

How did that “no” feel?

How are my kids responding?

What will I do with my time?

And I felt weird, I’m not going to lie. Like there was an invisible force that was saying NOPE, that’s not what you do.

I ultimately decided to stick with my decision. The kids were happily jumping, let’s see what happens next.

And then the sky opened up and angels sang because I finished unloading the dishwasher, vacuumed the floors, and answered a couple emails. My kids were also completely okay with it. They knew when it got cooler they would try again so they entertained themselves for a couple hours.

The biggest revelation I learned was that no one was sitting there holding the no against me, apparently I just thought that would happen. So when the kids came and asked again, my to-do list was complete, the weather was cooler, and my kids were excited to play with me… I was all in. Nothing was standing in my way.

And I can't quite put into words what I felt.

It might have been close to relief mixed with excitement.

Because I seriously cannot remember the last time I played with my kids without thinking about something else I had to do.

Now that's some data I plan to use in the future.

I can't guarantee I'll make that choice again.

I might want to play on the trampoline next time. I might not.

But now I know something I didn't know before.

And that feels a lot more useful than having the “right” answer.

Where the sting begins

Sometimes making the decision isn't the hard part. After all, I always know what everyone around me needs at all times. The answer is already prepared. Almost like I know what they are going to ask from me before it’s ever asked.

But I think the harder part is knowing if that decision is actually mine. What about what I want or need?

Sometimes sitting with a decision long enough to notice what is mine and what is everyone else's can change the energy and my perception on where I start and everyone else ends.

That is where the sting begins. Because noticing what is yours is not always expected or even comfortable.

The nettle doesn't shrink, soothe, or mold itself to make you more comfortable. It announces its edge.

That's what I keep learning from the stinging nettle.

There doesn’t always need to be a deeper meaning to the decision, a boundary, or other wellness jargon about finding yourself. But maybe it can be as simple as responding when someone asks what do you want to do this weekend?

“I want to take a nap,” and meaning exactly that.

Maybe you get to take the nap. Maybe you don't.

Maybe you tried and you realized you don’t know how to nap. Or it actually isn’t what you wanted at all. But you said it, or you tried, or it failed miserably. That all still counts.

Because an experiment is not looking for a specific answer, but information and you can do what you want with that.

Experiment #101

Hypothesis: Saying no to the trampoline will make everyone miserable.

Result: Incorrect.

Additional finding: I actually enjoyed playing more when I wasn't mentally tracking my unfinished chores.

Conclusion: Interesting, will continue to monitor.

Bethany, RN, NC-BC

Protection, understanding, unruly confidence.

-Nettles